A really good friend of mine shared a story with me - and asked my thoughts about it. The story shared the plight of a Black mother of two that happens to be going through a divorce. In short, she explains how her coat of armor has been reshaped to exhibit an attitude of strength and fortitude that is atypical of a wife that will soon be without a husband. She argues that the strong Black woman syndrome is unintentionally breaking down our families and creating a dangerous legacy. She feels that many women are possibly doing their children a disservice by not sharing just how unacceptable it is to have a man walk away from his family. And by perpetuating the dangerous myth of black women as indefatigable, unshakable, and tireless, the author feels that women are not allowed to be whole human beings with a full suite of emotions. Some of those emotions, which we as humans are entitled to experience, include being vulnerable, needy, and, for lack of a better word, scared sh*tless. The right to feel this way is being left off of the emotional radar. She states:
"When our men see us as strong women who handle everything thrown our way, or when we give a 'I don't need that ____' (enter favorite expletive here), we send a message that we don't need our black men. And that our children don't need them. And this is the farthest thing from the truth."
Read the original article here
What do I think? I do think that divorce is one of the most trying and difficult situations that a woman (and/or man) experiences in life. A divorce not only impacts wife and "wasband" but also creates an emotionally traumatizing experience for the children. There is no right or wrong way to look at it. But I also feel that the challenges of raising a child in a single family household present a dynamic that changes the "parenting" game; in other words, a parent must take a more active role in raising the child in hopes that the child does not succumb to the dangerous statistics that impact many children that grow up in this environment.
Black children who grow up in single parent households are more likely to:
- Go to jail (mostly males): It's no secret that many young, black men are incarcerated.
- Get pregnant at an early age/ Become "Baby Mommas": With no father figure around, a lot of young women look for a father figure and the love of a father that they never really had.
- Become "Baby Daddies": Considering that this is (more or less) what his father did to his mother.
- Drop out of school: Nearly 50% of Black students drop out of high school and never graduate.
- Join a gang (mostly males): 80% of Black males that join gangs are those who have no father figure in the household.
I believe that being a strong Black woman is a necessity - I don't see the risks. I don't feel that she is making herself vulnerable by sharing how her husband left the scene (if this is what occured). If a Black woman decides to forego sharing this with her children as a form of "emotional" protection, I can completely understand, however, I do not think that a child should be left cold in the dark.
My Mom and Dad divorced at a young age. My Dad was absent for awhile, but as I turned 13, my Dad came back in my life and ultimately gained full custody of me - he raised me from that day on. So I have lived in both worlds. As a youngster growing up with an absent Dad, I did have questions, but I was never comfortable in asking my Mom to share the circumstances that led to the separation. In fact, I never learned why until I was about 15 years old. Did this affect me at all? Yes, it did. At times, I felt unattached to my Dad... I never felt that he really completed the picture, although he tried by being very forgiving while giving me almost anything that I asked for. But ultimately, my Mom was the Rock - my Dad could never fit those shoes.
I go back to this point because, as I think of the strong Black woman syndrome, I feel that "by any means necessary," a single parent works too hard to establish a foundation for a child to survive, and the emotional welfare of a child needs to be protected. It is not a disservice to a child if you shelter the child from your emotional pain. But enough about me...
What do you think?
